Summer is drifting into the past and winter looms. My favourite time of year.
I came across these tongue-in-cheek suggestions for the upcoming ski season some time ago when browsing through Google. They might prevent you spending more time in the hospital than on the slopes!
Here are a few helpful hints for you:
- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half hour
- Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up
- soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill now
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles… pretend you are looking for your car and sporadically drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes
- Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away
- Secure one of your ankles to a bed p0st and ask a friend to run into you at high speed
- Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face
- Drive slowly for 5 hours – anywhere -as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes
- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom
- Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor
- Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!
GREAT advice for a sport we all love!!! Cynical but apt. My compliments to the author.